Building an Inclusive Teen LGBTQ+ Church Community
By The Rev. Kelly Demo
St. Thomas the Apostle Episcopal Church
Overland Park, Kansas
For several years the leader of the Pride Alliance group at our church has been bugging me about getting teens to volunteer at our welcome booths at local Pride festivals. But our youth are super busy! Supportive as they are of their LGBTQ siblings, my teens find it hard to volunteer for yet another thing in their schedules.
However, this year there were two young people who eagerly stepped up and, wow, did it make a difference. We partnered with another Episcopal church to have a table at the Johnson County Pride event on National Coming Out Day. What I noticed was that the majority of those attending the event were teens. No wonder my church leader was so insistent we have teens at the booth! Our teens were able to connect with the young people who came by our booth, allowing these visitors to see our church as an accepting, safe space.
Welcoming LGBTQ+ teens into church is both an honor (I am proud that we are an affirming church) and can feel a little prickly. Teens are already at an age where cynicism with an eye towards hypocrisy coupled with testing boundaries with authorities has them wary of the institutional church. This is developmentally right where they should be. However, when one is in the queer community (or any historically disenfranchised population) the mistrust is particularly high. This sets the initial “invite” bar high and the “welcome” with an even greater need for intentionality. But when it happens, the “connect” to community can literally be life saving.
Related: LBGTQ+ Inclusion Resources from Invite Welcome Connect
Another aspect that makes inviting, welcoming, and connecting teens tricky is their sometimes complicated relationship to family. Navigating being a safe space for teens to explore who they are while ministering to the family, especially when the family is struggling with that identity, can be precarious. Education and many loving pastoral conversations are often needed. Below are just a few things to consider when inviting, welcoming, and connecting with teens in the LGBTQ+ community that may go beyond your regular “IWC” considerations.
First, examine your church’s language and messaging. Avoid gendered language that assumes heterosexuality or binary gender identities. Do not assume all youth have a traditional family structure or identify as cisgender. Offer your pronouns when you introduce yourself, and look carefully at your church website and signage around the church through the lens of LGBTQ+ sensibilities. Are there Pride flags around the church and on the website? Is there clear, plain language welcoming everyone regardless of sexual orientation, gender identity, or expression?
Parishioners may well need education on the LGBTQ+ population, its vocabulary, norms, and expectations. Even the most eager and affirming members often feel ill-equipped to talk to and connect with people in the queer community for fear they say something wrong. At our church we had a very highly attended “LGBTQ 101” class where it was made very safe to ask all the questions people had. Ensure your youth leaders and teachers are very comfortable and knowledgable about issues facing their LGBTQ+ youth and have open conversations with all the youth group about being welcoming (although the adults generally find the youth boldly lead the way in this endavour).
Simply offering an indisputably safe space can be the most welcoming thing you can do. Encourage them to connect with peers give them plenty of room to just be and relax and be safe and have fun. It may be the only time in their week when they can truly be themselves. But beyond simply giving them space consider how these youth might be mentored. Are there affirming adults who can walk with them and encourage them? Are there older teens, perhaps even those in the LGBTQ+ community themselves who can act as a mentor? Keep in mind that these youth are even more vulnerable to mental health issues as they are more likely the victims of bullying, depression, and suicide. Offer counseling or connect them with affirming mental health professionals. Train youth leaders to recognize signs of distress and respond with compassion. Employ a zero tolerance policy around any non-affirming language from both youth and adults.
Ultimately, all ministry, and in particular ministry with youth, is about relationships. When a youth is truly seen, heard, loved for all of who they are they will feel invited, welcomed, and connected.
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